Into a Bar
by WildHeartsR5
Summary: What happens when Dan and Phil go to a bar. Weirdness ahead, you have been warned.


**Disclaimer: We own nothing.**

Dan, Phil, and a baby Totoro walk into a bar. The bouncer walks towards them and they attempt to hide their child. An Asian bouncer in a medieval suit of armor walks towards the family cowering in the corner.

"Brethren is that a child?" The bouncer man asks.

"What... no." They shove the small baby Totoro thing behind them.

"Ok y'all well have a good night." His thick southern accent shining through. He tips his cowboy hat towards them before handing them a gallon of sweet tea.

"Where the hell did that hat come from?" Panda in the middle of the dance floor asks.

"Why's there a talking panda?" The tiny Totoro asks.

"Excuse me good sir but may I please see your identification." The bouncer asks.

Totoro growls in response since he doesn't speak English. He only speaks animal.

"NO ONE GROWLS AT ME! Please let me escort you to the door." He then picks up Totoro leaving Dan and Phil starring in awe at the sweet tea.

Phil quietly whispers in horror "It's cold, the tea is cold."

"Sweet baby child lets get you some tea and a leash." The bouncer says in a Darth Vader like voice.

"Billy Bob the bouncer!" The man behind the bar shouts.

"Yes fellow knight of the round bar?" He asks.

"You gettin' tis child some tea and a leash outta the pile in the back."

"Of course my good sir."

"Well there is this nice little poodle outside to keep him company."

Billy Bob the bouncer then proceeds to take the baby Totoro and tie him to the parking meter next to the poodle. Totoro growls at the poodle and the poodle growls back, it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Back inside the bar a sudden slamming of a door caught everyones attention. In walked a fox on it's hind legs. He strutted up to the bar and attempted to order a beer.

"I'm sorry but we ain't allowed to serve no animals."

"What! All I wanted was to drink a beer but no animals aren't served. This is all fucking bull shit you're all animals." The fox shouts slamming his paws on the bar and dragging his claws across the dark wood.

"He is right we are all animals y'all." Dan says to Phil.

"Don't you go all southern on me Daniel."

Dan then collapses to the floor laying face first, the well know existential crisis position. Phil then sits upon Dan while petting his hair. In the background Phil notices the panda and the fox making out, it seems to be getting heated quickly.

"It's okay baby child." Phil coos in Dan's ear. Dan lifts his head slightly before locking eyes with Phil.

"Billy Bob's accent has really rubbed off on us hasn't it." Dan mumbles before his head slams back down to the ground with an audible thump. At the same moment some heavy metal music starts blaring through the speakers.

Outside Totoro watches in amazement as King Kong strides towards Godzilla. Godzilla begins to breathe fire in the direction of his attacker. Various buildings catch on fire. King Kong then picks up the London eye and rolls it towards Godzilla, crushing many poor innocent people in the process. Their screams echo through the night as they are crushed to death. The two fighters finally achieve eye contact and they both feel the electricity.

They run towards each other smashing many buildings the process and they meet in the middle. Let's leave out the details, well just say nine months later they were a family.

Totoro and the poodle share a knowing look before they both chew through the leashes. Totoro climbs on the poodle he grabs her hair ribbons as the reins and shouts onward. They fly off into the dark and cloudy London night together.

Dan and Phil never saw their son again, but he often wrote to them about his adventures. Eventually he started to send them vlogs and they got to see their poodle Totoro grandchildren for the first time.

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